Week Five- I'm still alive!

Moreso than ever, I might add :)

It's been another rollercoaster of a week. In fact, the progression of the weeks here are very similar to a regular work week back home. Mondays I'm too tired to really know what is going on, Tuesday I start thinking "there is no way I am going to make it through this week", Wednesday you feel a glimmer of hope- hump day and all, Thursday you are convinced you CAN do it, Friday you tell yourself "just four/three/two/one more class until the weekend" and Saturday you crawl into that yoga room and just pray you'll make it 90 minutes and then you're FREE!

What I want to talk about this week is trusting the process. We hear that a lot here and sometimes you want to scream back "F*ck the process!", but the truth is that it's about surrender and acceptance.

Thursday night we finished up our lecture with Jon Burras (The Facia Guy) and then proceeded to have a little intro session with the senior teachers. Mike Harris told us his story and asked if anyone else had come to the training after serious medical issues. Well, of course, I had to stand up and tell my story. I was shaking and nervous to share with the whole group, but I did. After I told what I'd gone through, Mike asked "so how did the yoga help?" and I shared about how even though I don't have a thyroid governing my metabolism I don't suffer from any Hypothyroid symptoms like weight gain, lethargy, hair loss, etc. like other ThyCa patients. I almost realized it as I was saying it...this yoga truly is bringing my body back into balance after my health crisis and of course I should be sharing that with these people who will one day have students like me! After that we heard from Joseph and Ester, both truly inspiring stories and such lovely people. I wept for their pain and celebrated their joy of how this yoga turned their lives around. We all have a story.

After the stories, Manali- who is Birkam's assistant, came up and led an AMAZING meditation. I am not exaggerating when I say I literally FLOATED out of the room. Before she started she told us that she could tell some of us were still holding onto things. Negativity, judgement, hatred and to just let it go. I have no idea what she was chanting, but after she was done I felt completely transformed. I let it go. All of it. My judgement of this process, of Bikram, of my fellow trainees- ALL OF IT. It evaporated into thin air and I haven't seen it since.

This brings me to trusting the process and our NEED to understand what we are doing and why we are doing it and letting go of all that to just enjoy and be present. Not just here at Yoga Bootcamp, but back home with our families and friends and with our future students. We are learning experientially how to become, and step into, the highest expression of who we are and it is completely earth shattering to watch. To feel myself opening up and letting go of when we need to be somewhere and how long a break we have and "will Bikram show a movie?"...all of it is inconsequential. How we react to these things is a parallel to how we react in our lives, just like how we react to postures we hate in class, the heat, the teacher we think sucks, etc. etc.

So, even when you don't want to- trust the process. Trust that your higher power has a plan and your best and highest good in mind at all times. Trust that your fellow man is there to support you and not to bring you down. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.

There has been some INCREDIBLE energy (off the charts) this week. Happiest memories are of the wave before movie night on Wednesday, running down the halls with my crazy PC Group (Group 5- we are like 5 year olds on ritalin!) and the groans as one Mahabharata episode after another kept us in that lecture tent until 3am- best moment that night was when a fellow trainee was all ready to go, in position, pillows in hand, hoodie on head and yet another episode started and he just slunk back to his seat, or when another trainee was in the same mode just an episode later and when he saw it wasn't over yet shouted "you have to be f*cking kidding me!" and threw his stuff back in his little corner where he was trying to sleep. Pure comedy!

So, Week 5 is over. I made it. I'm still alive. In fact, I'm vibrantly alive!

Halfway There!

Amazing ups and downs so far this week. Everything from "do I want to be here?" to "I don't ever want to leave here" and everything in between. Day to day, the rollercoaster continues!

Bikram is back and still playing late night movies and Emmy is back and teaching our morning classes and giving amazing posture clinics in the afternoon. She is a truly amazing woman and I love the emphasis she puts on the absolute correct alignment. Her favorite word is "precision" and she likes to yell it at us while trying to get us into postures. I love how sometimes she just sounds completely exasperated with us, "eh, that was terrible, just come up". It's hillarious. Her wealth of knowlege really comes out in her lectures. She was evaluating Triangles today and it's just so helpful to see all the bodies and hear her corrections. Yesterday I went up to get some help with my Standing Stretching Forehead to Knee pose, which after 7 years STILL sucks. Anything forehead to knee is very hard for me because my lumbar spine doesn't round. That means, Standing Forehead to Knee (everything but the forehead to my knee is easy), Standing Stretching Forehead to Knee, Rabbit, Stretching Forehead to Knee...blah on all of it :)

Last night after Bikram asked us if we wanted Posture Clinic or a Lecture and everyone shouted "Lecture!" and he goes "What the f*ck is wrong with you people? You want to hear my bullsh*t again?", hahahaha. Anyway, we were told to show up at 9:30 for lecture, but when we got to the lecture tent, Lynn told us that we were going to do Posture Clinic instead and to be back at 11:30. Then she said "Group 5, you guys are rockstars, you are all done with your Standing Bow, so you stay in the tent and listen to Groups 15 & 16 do theirs", I am in Group 5 (I am taking a bow now) so that's what we did. Sat there while the other two groups finished up Bow and then there was a little time at the end so both Allie and I got up and did our Balancing Sticks and rocked it! I am starting to not personalize the comments from PC leads anymore. The lead last night was all upset because I took a big exhale after the set up (I had to, I started to quickly and needed a big, deep breath) but honestly, I did really well and she was just kind of a b*tch. Oh well. EVERYONE came up to me afterwards and was saying "don't listen to her" so I decided to take in what she said that was positive and let go of the rest of her commentary :) Then, after PC they told us Bikram changed his mind about the movie and to go home! Happy Yogis everywhere!

Also, last night, Norm and Louise took Allie and I out to an amazing dinner! It was so nice to have the loving support from home and my mood really started to turn around. I start to think I'm going nuts here, but having someone from home here reminded me of how long and how badly I have wanted to be here and how it's all going to be worth it in the end. Yay for Norm and Louise!

Class tonight with Bikram was nice, but it was TWO HOURS, so I have to get ready to head back for lecture at 9:30. Since I've done Balancing Stick, I don't think I'll get to Standing Seperate Leg Stretching until tomorrow at the earliest. I've got both that and Triangle sort of ready to go, but I need to move forward to Tree and Toe. I was told we won't do Savasana or Sit-Up, so this weekend I'd like to get Cobra, too. It's nice to have a few going at once so I don't feel completely overwhelmed. I wonder how long I'll be able to keep that up?

Sadie will be here at the end of next week!!! I'm so excited to see her, but a little nervous about having her here since this environment leaves me no time at all for her. I have to study dialogue and our day is realllllly long. Hopefully, things will begin to wind down a bit in Week 8 and definitely by the time Max gets here. Wow. It's really going end that soon. I don't know whether to be happy or sad about it right now :)

Week Four- Shut the Door

It will hereby be known as the PMS week. LOL. Anyway, I made it and that's what's important :) As I sit here after our 8am class, fed, relaxed and happy I have a different perspective than I did during the week. Man, my last post was MEAN, but just like everything and everyone I judge here at TT I see the other side in a matter of days, hours, minutes or even seconds. As a matter of fact, that visiting teacher was in my Posture Clinic and gave me my feedback for my Standing Bow not even one day later (it went really well, btw). It's really and truly an amazing thing and I don't really know why it's like that here, but it is. You can count on it. The person that irritated you one day is your savior the next. It's truly an incredible thing.

So, in addition to presenting three postures this week in posture clinic (Eagle, Standing Head to Knee and Standing Bow), we had three late night movie nights, so when they let us out of posture clinic last night at 10pm (a whole hour early!) you'd think everyone in that room just won the freaking lottery. It's the little things that get us through here. Since I sleep through the movies, I did pretty well this week. I end up getting 6-7 hours of sleep a night, which for me isn't a lot, but I still feel pretty great. The yoga is our gas station and most of us are running on fumes and need a refill :)

The visiting teachers have been amazing. We've had Ulises from Mexico, Lisa from San Antonio (Yeehaw sit-ups and MACHINE GUN Triangle), Abby & Dave from Victoria, Heather from Chicago and, of course, my faves Diane and Lynn. I am seriously in LOVE with all of these teachers. They are such inspiring people in so many ways. The instruction that we are getting here is just fantastic, I am going to be so spoiled going home...I LOVE LYNN. Gawd, she is awesome! Plus, practicing in a room with 300 other people struggling, sweating and surviving- AMAZING.

So this weekend I have to study for our second Anatomy test that is going to be a little more challenging since it's on the Respiratory, Digestive, Nervous & Endocrine Systems. Tons of information, so I'm headed to the study group that Mari is doing this afternoon so I know what to study and what not to study. I'm also going to try to get Balancing Stick, Standing Separate Leg Stretching & Triangle at least partially memorized this weekend. I counted the days we have left and it looks like even if we did one posture a day M-F we wouldn't wrap up until the end of Week 8, but there are some that are shorter so I'm sure we'll end up doing two a day or more with Savasana & Sit-Up and some of the floor postures.

I need to take more pictures! I suddenly got this panicked feeling this week, about how fast it's going and soon it will be over and all I will have are memories (and this blog :) to remember it by. Although there are very challenging times here at TT, this whole experience is so amazing. I will miss doing this much yoga for sure and being around all these amazing, experienced teachers with all this incredible knowledge of this yoga. It really is such an incredible opportunity.

Ciao for now.

Things that make you go hmmm...

I don't think TT and PMS are a good pair. Let me just say that right off the bat. I've been plenty irritable this week and, of course, here at TT there are plenty of things to get irritable about.

Monday started off seemingly fine, we had a wonderful morning class with Diane Ducharme. She's a great, great teacher and it's nice to hear a familiar voice at the podium that you know and love and trust. I am really hoping to get mentoring from her when I get back home. It's like we have our very own Posture Clinic lead right in our home town who willingly helps new teachers. You cannot beat that! Anyway, the class was great and I came home and made breakfast and was feeling fine, but as the day progressed I started to feel progressively more nauseous and headachey. I was guzzling water all day, coconut water, citrus fruits, but by 5pm it became clear to me that I was dehydrated. Yippppeeee! I sat out most of the 5pm class and came home for dinner and just felt awful. Luckily, my downstairs neighbor had some Pedialyte on hand and after about a half a bottle of that (blech) I started feeling better. That night I presented Eagle in Posture Clinic and it went fine considering I was all amped up on Pedialyte :)

Yesterday I was feeling better and we had a great class with Lynn in the am, lecture with Dr. T in the (hot as hell) tent when we found out that Bikram was back! I had mixed emotions upon seeing him. Yes, I missed his energy, but his late night lectures? Not so much. I seemed to catch up on my dehydration and was feeling pretty good for most of the day. We had some visiting teachers get up and introduce themselves and one said she was the "grumpy one in the back with her hoodie up" and that after she taught her first class she suddenly understood why they were being kept up all night to watch "Mahabarata". Um...I call bullshit. I'm getting really tired of the visiting teachers telling us about how wonderful this experience was and how it was the best time of their lives, etc. It's so annoying. Sure, now that you are done with it you can look back and say it was valuable and awesome, but I'd like to see you when you were going through it. Honestly, it's something that annoys me to NO END. Stop telling us how awesome it was for you, we don't really care! We are going through it right now, let us have our experience and when we're done we can erase all the late nights from our memories too. Ugh.

Anyway, after our afternoon class with John from the the Williamsburg, NYC studio we were told to be in lecture at 9:30pm. People were actually excited to not have posture clinic. You know, the whole reason we are actually here? To learn the dialogue? Anyway, after a 2.5 hour "lecture" about who knows what (topics ranged from his recent trip to Vegas to talking about the Mahabarata- just put the thing on alredy) he put the movie on. I couldn't tell you one thing about it. I was asleep.

Trust the process.

Week Three- you can't hurt me

Well, now that it's over at least. Week three was more ups and downs and UPS and DOWNS. We started Posture Clinics and Anatomy this week, so the heat is on. No pun intended. I am so glad that I studied the dialogue before I came here! I got up to Triangle (sort of, the last posture I presented at BY Boston was Balancing Stick and I learned Standing Seperated Leg Stretching and Triangle on my own) and I'm really hoping that we don't get past there until after our Anatomy test next Monday. At PC last night one of the leads was telling us that once things start picking up we'll be doing a posture a day. Hopefully we won't have Bikram here keeping us up alllll night long watching movies when that fun day arrives :) I think most groups have gotten through Awkward and are now on Eagle, which I have down solid. This is only 2 postures per week. It's not going to be like this for long.

So, I mentioned that Monday I had a less than exciting PC with Martha and that she taught a VERY long class the following day and I was not feeling it. Well, her class on Thursday night was UNBELIEVABLE. I am now completely in love with her! Ha. It's so funny how you literally change 180 degrees here within moments. She had a lot of poignant musical interludes in her class and this time she put them in our resting poses, so that her class actually ended on time :) At one point, in Full Locust, she started singing "Sweet Caroline" ("hands, touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you!") and we all did the "Ba Ba Ba!"'s, it was unreal. The laughter in that room that night moved me to absolute tears. Thank you, Martha!

Tuesday night's class was taught by Jim and it looks like it's his last class with us. Boo :( I love Jim! It's kind of sad how we get all these amazing teachers here and then they have to go back to their lives and their studios. I get so attached to them! Tuesday night, I had PC with Mike from Chicago, but we were still getting through Backward Bending/Padahastasana, and I didn't get to deliver Awkward. His feedback was awesome. So positive and helpful. Even though I didn't feel ready to deliver Awkward, I had hoped I'd be able to anyway, just to get some feedback from him.

Wednesday night I had PC with Ren and I presented Awkward. I was pretty nervous (they like us to say "excited"- ha!) because I didn't have the posture 100%, but his energy really helped me to just get up there and do it and I was glad I did, he said he really liked it! Phew. I was definitely questioning myself after PC on Monday night, "maybe I'm not going to be any good at this, maybe I should just quit", etc., etc. , but after getting some positive feedback I was up and running again and ready to really do this thing! I already talked about the amazing teachers we had Wednesday. Thank God for them, really!

Thursday we had a great class from Pubali! She took some pictures from the podium and gave Allie and I a little shout out. Thursday was a great day, but that is when my nose started to get a little stuffy. I started throwing EmergenC at it and hoping it would just go away. I'm sure you can guess what happened? Thankfully, the cold didn't really take over until Friday afternoon, so I got to really enjoy PC with Val Thursday night (we STILL didn't get to Eagle and I really, really wanted to get feedback from her because she is AMAZING) and her class Friday morning. She started off the class dedicating it to the women who had left their children for these nine weeks to attend this training. She had me at "hello". By the end of class, while tearfully sharing her inspiring story of her Bikram Yoga journey, and talking about her daughter, I REALLY started to miss Sadie. Bad. I think letting that all out also opened the flood gates for this cold to run its course. With little, to no, defense against anything my body slowly began to succumb to this cold. Needless to say class and PC Friday night and class this morning were pretty miserable. I sat out postures, I left the room, it was bad. I wanted so badly to end the week strong, but I did the absolute best I could!

After class, I came back to the condo, ate some breakfast and passed OUT for two hours solid. I missed the Anatomy study group, which means I'll need to make some flash cards today at some point and get serious about this test on Monday. Blah. I just want to go back to bed! Being sick in a yoga class is really not a lot of fun. I had to really put my ego aside and just do what I can, not push it, sit out when I needed to and take it easy. Hard to do Week Three when I was feeling SO good in the middle of this week.

So, here at Yoga Bootcamp, it's all about ups and downs, ebbs and flows and trusting the process. When it seems impossible to do so, there is always someone there who can bring you up from the depths of despair with a kind word, a "how are you doing?", a hand on your shoulder or a look of sympathy because we all have to go through it in our own way. They use a lot of 12 step slogans here because so many that are attracted to this yoga are in the program. Addicts love routine and ritual and this yoga definitely had those components, but it's good for you! I've heard the following so far:

"Trust the process"
"The only way out is through"
"Don't leave before the miracle happens"

It's pretty cool hearing these familiar slogans. They put a smile on my face and help me to believe that I'm here for a reason.

I'm one-third of the way to being a Bikram Yoga teacher. All the visiting teachers keep throwing out Week 5 as the doozy...you mean I haven't already hit the wall? Sweet. Loving and missing all of you!

Hump Day

Usually around Wednesday is when I start feeling a little bit tired, a little bit homesick and a whole lot DONE. Somehow the Yoga fairies must have known this and decided to give me a great day. Our morning class was taught by Lynn Whitlow. Now, I have to say that Lynn has intimidated me from Day One here at training. She is very matter-of-fact and doesn't really mess around, she has owned four studios in the Bay area is obviously a great businesswoman and loves this yoga. Needless to say, she terrified me. Well, today she taught our morning class and WOW, it was awesome. It probably helped that she opened the door to get some air circulating in the room, but her dialogue was amazing, her delivery strong and directive and her voice so pleasing to the ear. Great, great class. She also stressed the importance of the dialogue with a story about one of her teacher's slip ups in class. I have actually taken class with that teacher before and heard the story, but still laughed heartily nonetheless. For all those who know the story, it's the one about the hands in Half Tortoise...

Next was our lecture with Dr. T. He really is such a great teacher and he loves to start off by loosening us up with jokes. They are mostly corny, but he's such a sweet and genuine guy, I still laugh. Today we reviewed the Muscular System and started talking about the Circulatory System (we covered Skeletal on Monday). This is going to be quite a test! There will be two tests of 50 questions each (100 total combined) and we'll need to get a 65 to pass. Time to make some flash cards!

At the break, I headed to the pool to run through Awkward a few times with Larissa & Iole. I am having a pretty tough time with this posture, so I don't think I'll go tonight in Posture Clinic unless I absolutely have to, and even then, I would wait until the very end of class. Part one is pretty good, part two is getting better...part three...I'd rather just not even talk about it. I had such a hard time with this posture when I was studying it back home to deliver at the Boston studio. Imagine if I hadn't memorized it before? Ugh, I shudder to think!

Our late afternoon class was taught by John Salvatore. I have taken his class in Boston when he visited and I just love him. He is EXACTLY what we needed today. He was positive, funny, motivating and just what the doctor ordered. Also, I was in line 8, by the right side doors and was pretty happy over there. All in all, a great day here at Yoga Bootcamp.

Notice I am blogging and NOT working on Awkward? Hmmm. Better get back to studying. Miss and love you all!

First Posture Clinic

Yesterday we started our Anatomy lectures with Dr. T. and our Posture Clinics. The morning class was taught by Ren, who was a very nice and light way to start our week. Lots of humor, but a nice solid class (amazing what a little sleep will do for your practice!). We started our Anatomy lecture series on the Skeletal system. We sort of went through pages in our books and marked what we need to study for the test. We'll have two tests, 50 questions each, one each week. You need a 70 to pass.

We got kept a while over so it was pretty much a quick phone call home in the A/C and then to sign in for class. We're now doing line rotations, and my group was in line 3. The class last night was so freaking hot. By the floor series I could barely peel myself off my mat. People were leaving left and right, sitting out postures, etc. I definitely came out of a few postures early, it was just so oppressive. They are telling us that in Acapulco they had about 70% humidity almost every day so people were really struggling with Electrolyte balance and that here, in Palm Desert, that we need to be concerned about our fluid intake because the air is so dry it just sucks all the moisture out of our bodies. Great. I've been drinking upwards of 5 Liters a day, plus my liquid electrolytes after each class and I still felt a little parched last night in posture clinic.

Speaking of which, it went OK. It wasn't what I'd hoped. The visiting teacher didn't give me a ton of information. She said she liked the beginning and the end, but the middle sounded like a flight attendant giving the pre-flight announcement. OK...whatever. All I know is that I presented the first day, so now I have a few days to get the first part of Awkward brushed up on and I'll have to use this weekend to scoot ahead to the postures I haven't even touched yet. It's definitely more easy to brush up on postures you've already learned than to learn from scratch. Anyway, the first posture clinic was just sort of "meh", I didn't feel that surge of energy like I did when I presented Half Moon to Bikram and wasn't all excited about teaching this yoga like that day. Oh well. Hopefully, I will have more encouraging feedback as I go along. Blah.

I'm off to class shortly, followed by lecture, followed by another class and followed by posture clinic. At least this week we're getting to bed earlier!

Week Two

Well, Week 2 is done and I can definitely say I'm not sad to see it pass. We've had some pretty brutal tests of mental and physical strengths this week and everyone is getting challenged in their own ways. My challenge is dealing the the sleep deprivation. When I don't sleep I become EXTREMELY irritable and those of you who know me also know that being around me when I'm irritable isn't very fun. Add to this four hours of yoga, 300+ people, a sweltering hot lecture tent (during the day) for 3 hours, a freezing lecture tent (how did they do that?) in the evening for God knows how many hours and tack on sleeping on a concrete floor while a Hindi movie that is supposed to be changing my life is BLARING in my ears and you get one irritated little Yogini. What is crazy about this is that I knew about the movies and the late nights and all the yoga, but nothing prepares you for it when you are smack dab in the middle of it. Nothing. Even though you know that it's a test of your will, that you will survive it and that there has to be a point to it, in the moment you can't for the life of you think of what that point might be. It's tough. Thankfully, Bikram left this week and won't be back until the 18th, so we're movie-free for a week and a half or so- YAY!

We've also finished with Half Moon and start breaking into our Posture Clinic Groups on Monday. We also start Anatomy/Physiology on Monday, so things may start getting kind of crazy around here pretty soon. I'm so happy that I pretty much have up to Triangle right now and I can just brush up on those while we're also doing the Anatomy stuff. Phew! I'm also hoping some of my anatomy that I learned in massage school (many moons ago) might return to my brain? It could happen.

We've had some great lectures this week from Emmy, Bikram and Jim Kallett. Our staff is pretty amazing as well. A lot of drama has been going down in the yoga room this week and they are really on top of making sure that the people who really need help get it and that the people who need to just get through it get through it. The arid desert air is making it so that not as many people are throwing up as Acapulco. They keep telling us how lucky we are!

I'm so TIRED, but we have CPR training today (Saturday) for two hours. It's now required of all BYTT'ers to be certified at training, and it's an additional expense ($40). That didn't go over so well with everyone, but Bikram explained that it's a condition of the new Franchise agreement that we must all be and maintain CPR certification. I was certified when I went to massage school, but that was a really long time ago. Anyway, it's a good thing to know- how to save people's lives.


Jim Kallett shared an amazing quote that he transcribed from a Shiva temple that he visited in India. He had written it down in haste and was amazed when he took the time to really let the words sink in later on:

"When one has become successful in asana, then pranayama (the regulation of inhalation and exhalation) is perfected, the veil that hides illumination is lifted and the mind becomes fit for meditation, then the senses come under your control"

In other words, don't worry about your Kundalini, don't worry about Nirvana...just LOCK YOUR KNEE and breathe :)

I'm feeling lonely...come soon

This, as any of you who have gone to training, is one of Bikram's songs from his CD, "Love". At the end of each class that Bikram teaches we listen to one of his musical creations. It's pretty hillarious. Mostly, you are so beat down from the class that you wouldn't even think of moving, so it gives us a nice, long final savasana (final resting pose). The music is pretty cheesey, but quintessential Bikram. A little sappy, but very genuine- completely from the heart. The truth is that he is really a caring person and he gives himself completely to us during the Teacher Trainings. Even when I am swearing at him in my head when he is about to show us a movie at midnight, or when he's calling someone out in the same color I am wearing ("Miss Blue, what the f*ck are you doing?"), I still really respect how much he gives us while we're here. He gives us his full attention (I, for example, zoned out for over half of the Half Moon recitations) and is totally present for US. It's pretty awesome.

This week's morning classes have been with Emmy and I kid you not when I say, this woman lives to kick our asses. Oh my good Lord, she doesn't mess around! She wanders around the room, so you never know where she is or when she's going to pounce on you. Even still, she is an amazing teacher with so much knowledge of this yoga and the proper execution, benefits, etc. Mostly, she's a 80+ year old, Latvian ass kicker. I don't usually practice in the mornings at home because I'm so stiff and it depresses me. Here I have no choice. Add the daily Emmy beat down to that and after morning class I am a bit low.

As with everything here, though, the next moment I am laughing hysterically with my friends, or finally fed and hydrated and feeling great again. The afternoon classes tend to wipe away the memory of your horrible morning class and leave you floating out of class and onto dinner. After that you have lecture and you fear the midnight showing of Bollywood films. It's a roller-coaster, but it's 100% amazing.

There are a few moms who have their kids here and whenever I see them, I miss Sadie so much. I talk to her everyday and she's doing great with Daddy & Razzy and me being here doing this on my own is such a rare opportunity. I'm so grateful.

All in all, I'm still doing OK. I miss home sometimes, I hate the lectures sometimes (the lecture tent is sweltering hot, the chairs are SO uncomfortable and we have to sign in and out to go to the bathroom), I have horrible yoga classes sometimes and other times I feel like I need to pinch myself because I still can't believe I'm here. I am trying to stay present for all of it!

Week One- One and Done

I'm amazed that week one is behind us. It went by pretty quickly, although some moments never seemed to end (like that horrible movie or listening to every single yogi recite Half Moon). I've already had my first breakdown (brought on by said movie) and a pretty good taste of sleep deprivation's effects on my moods (scary). On the flip side, I'm just so thrilled to be here. It just feels so right, all of it.

The beginning of the week the heat wasn't really cranking and people were grumbling about it. I knew that there was no way that the conditions in the room were going to stay like that. At certain classes Monday- Thursday I could actually feel a breeze coming through the walls of the tent. All that ended yesterday. They seem to have found the thermometer and the room is officially a torture chamber. Last night's class I was right in front of Bikram and it was HOT. Not only HOT, but HUMID. It was the first day that people starting heading for the exits, sitting out postures and basically getting annihilated. I think the only reason we made it through was A. Bikram was teaching and B. we all knew we had the night off and only one more class until our weekend. It was what TT stories are made of. My beet red face didn't return to it's natural color for at least an hour afterwards. I came back home, made myself some dinner, got in the Jacuzzi, came home and passed OUT at 9:30pm. Waking up for 8am class this morning was a problem, but after having completed all 10 required yoga classes this week my body is feeling amazing. I have never felt more squarely IN my body than I do right now.

It's amazing how they really push you to your limits here and just when you think you have had it, just when you are questioning why the hell you are here- they give you the night off or it's Saturday and you have your weekend. It's pretty amazing when you "think of it". My breakdown on Thursday all centered around not having control. I was SO tired from the previous night's movie extravaganza and I couldn't understand why no one seemed to mind that we were going to kept up until the wee hours again. I wanted to sleep. I needed to sleep. I couldn't even focus on the lecture because I was nodding off. I was so angry, frustrated, you name it. I got myself a spot on the floor, laid down to watch the movie and I just cracked open. The angry lump in my throat gave way to tears and sobbing and snot running down my face. Needing a tissue, I went to the back of the room and asked a staff member if she had any. When she saw I was crying she just said "what's the matter? you ok?" the staff was amazing. I had a great one to one with another staff member who really talked me down. She reminded me that I was having a very sane reaction to an insane environment and encouraged me to keep going. I was so grateful.

Next morning was class with Rajashree and around Half Tortoise she started talking about crying and letting it all go. She told us that keeping it inside would only hurt us. That was all I needed for the floodgates to crack open. Then at the end of class she read "The Invitation" and that was pretty much it. Open sobbing on my mat. Boy did I feel GOOD for the rest of the day. Light as air, free as a bird! Carrying that around with me was doing me no good. All my anger and frustration was really just fear of not being in control of my environment and expressing it felt amazing.

This is the kind of stuff you hear about at TT and you just never know when it's going to happen to you. This experience is truly phenomenal and I am so completely grateful. I can't believe we are done with Week 1!