Week Eight- Feelin' Great!

What a week! We finished with dialogue on Thursday and you have never seen 320 people's mood shift so dramatically in all your life! It was sad to bid farewell to posture clinic in a way (Group 5- Touch It!), but so wonderful to be done with the stress of memorizing dialogue. The reality is that we will be studying this dialogue for many months and years to come, but at least we've said them all once (first set, right sides) and now it's just keeping ourselves familiar with it everyday. We're going to be teachers. What an incredible feeling!

Bikram was with us this week Tuesday and Wednesday and kept us up late both nights (2am and 4:30am respectively). We had two great lectures, one tough class and one loooooong night of the Mahabarata. He did mention that we were going to watch the Bhagavad Gita portion during the day, which made me really happy. A. Because it's really the one part I wanted to see and B. I will be able to see it because it won't be in the middle of the night! Yay for that! Other than that, we had a great lecture with Lynn, got to hear all of our staff's first teaching experiences and another beautiful meditation with Manali.

I can't believe it's ending, it's so bittersweet. I am so excited to teach this yoga. Like so excited! I got an email from two studio owners offering me classes, so I should know when my first class is early next week. I will really remember this experience for the rest of my life. I can't say that I navigated everything gracefully, in fact, there were some moments I'm not particularly proud of in terms of my reaction to how difficult this training was. On the other hand, I got to know my stock reaction to how I get when things are difficult, how I immediately go from frustration to anger and how underneath all that is just not getting my way, not being in control and to just let it go.

Sadie and Max are arriving any second. I have my family here for the last week. Just 11 more classes, some lectures, a talent show and then graduation. Spring 2009 Bikram Yoga Teacher Training is coming to an end.

What a ride.

Mid Week 8 Check-In

So, I should totally be studying the last TWO postures that we have left to deliver (Head to Knee with Stretching and Spine Twisting), but I thought it noteworthy to do a little reporting on the week thus far.

Some drama went down in our Posture Clinic yesterday between a member of my group and the lead that was pretty uncomfortable. They got into a confrontation that definitely escalated due to lack of sleep, abundance of pressure, etc. Unfortunately, it then got reported to a senior staff member and we got a talking to. Boy, was it fun! In defense of my group member, he was just making a joke (albeit crude) and "keeping it light" has really been helping him to remember and deliver his dialogue. He stepped over the line, but the attitude that he got back in return was off the wall. This person was re-joining us after being away for 5 weeks, so he has no idea how much this person has struggled and, as a result of our group's bonding, how much progress he's made. I'm really hoping that this little bump in the road doesn't derail that progress.

Bikram says that he doesn't want to start his lectures until we are done with the dialogue, so we've really been operating at breakneck speed. I delivered two yesterday and am on pace to deliver two again today. Crazy. After that only ONE more posture left! Yay, no more studying on the weekends! Hopefully this means we will be avoiding movies until after we finish dialogue. I can handle one or two more, but not a whole week of them :)

My daughter and husband arrive Saturday and I cannot WAIT! OMG, I can't wait to hug my little baby (who isn't so little anymore, but she's my baby, dammit!) and spend some time with them since I won't be studying dialogue- woohoo!

Another item I wanted to report was that today after class, while laying in Savasana I heard a pretty loud voice that seemed oblivious to the fact that others were still enjoying their final resting pose. When I removed the towel from my eyes I realized that, not only was it the teacher who had just taught the class, but that she was on HER CELL PHONE. This after a telling us to have respect for this yoga and not to leave the class, only drink when Bikram says it's OK, etc. Wow. Just wow.

Week Seven- you have to go through Hell before you get to Heaven

Tough week.

Physically: I am exhausted. The two classes a day have started to mount up and have left me with a body that doesn't particularly want to move anymore. My postures are basically a complete joke at this point. Strength is there most of the time, flexibility? Not so much. I have heard that you should never compare your TT practice to your home practice, but it's hard not to expect to make some advances in postures doing this much yoga. I'm here to tell ya- it ain't happenin'. Plus, even though we weren't kept up past midnight all week, I'm still feeling like I could sleep for 24 hours straight and then wake up and eat for 24 hours straight. We did have some amazing classes/teachers this week (I keep track of all our teachers on my Facebook Bikram Yoga Calendar, if you are interested) and I really did try my best to work hard for them. Sometimes I get the second wind and sometimes I'm just coasting on the first one or one from the day before :)

Mentally: As previously mentioned, I usually don't fare all that well when I'm exhausted. I struggled a lot this week with staying present in lectures, judging the content of the lectures, etc. Rajashree went through the postures and talked about Yoga Therapy, which was great, I wish we had dedicated more time to lectures like this. She ran out of time and had to group all the floor postures together (no questions), which was a real bummer. Next we had Ann Marie Benstrom, who talked about Chakras and a little bit about nutrition. She was great, but I have a hard time when people start talking about their opinions about things when they have no actual experience with. I tend to respect someone's opinion when they've actually gone through it and talk about their first hand knowledge rather than theories. I actually had to walk out and take a breather because I was getting so annoyed. Of course when I returned she led us through an amazing meditation (Kriya) which seemingly melted all my anger and led into a 30 minute pre-class cry on the phone with Max and with two of our wonderful staff members. Which leads me to...

Emotionally: First off, I was missing Sadie ALL WEEK LONG. From Monday on, I started staring longingly at photos of her, then I started showing them to anyone who would look. Let's just say, I think I am under some hormonal influences as well, and my week ended in tears. Ultimately though, I find that my pattern is that I will get annoyed and even when I express it- if I don't let it go it just builds, and builds, and builds. Finally when I decide to let it go, it is usually done with tears. I'm trying not to judge it, it is what it is...I just wish I was better at letting things go before they build up to the point where I'm a miserable asshole. Make sense? Yeah. uh huh, sure it does. Anyway, more important lessons being learned here at Yoga Bootcamp.

Posture Clinics went well this week. I feel like I am really coming into my own these days. I've dropped the Drill Sargent delivery since we got on the floor postures and it's feeling REALLY good delivering dialogue lately. It's coming out so fluidly and I really feel like I'm teaching. I'm so excited to teach this yoga! Sometimes I worry about the first class, but I am fully on board with process trusting when they say that we'll all be fine. It might not be pretty, but better to get the first one out of the way immediately. Rip it off like a Band-Aid. Only 5 more postures to deliver! I'm sad though because I love my Posture Clinic group. We are a bunch of nutballs, it's so perfect. Other groups don't really get into our vibe (we were actually "shushed" this week by another group), but we're having a fantastic time and we love and support eachother so much. I think we may be known as the "Crazy Group"? Oh well. Touch it.

Ultimately, though, tough week and all- it was and is still amazing. I get these intense flashes sometimes during class or in lecture or posture clinic where I just have this realization- "I'm actually HERE", it's so dream-like sometimes, it almost doesn't even seem real. I force myself to freeze moments in my mind and tell myself "remember this" when it just feels so right and so good. This morning, for example, seeing 300 people turned towards me in Final Spinal, I look at all their faces, see their sweat, feel their struggle. Their struggle is my struggle, none of us is alone here. This experience really and truly is opening my mind to concepts and parts of myself that I never acknowledge, never visit, never nurture. That's what we do here. We peer into ourselves and see ourselves for who we truly are. Without jobs and degrees and associations and baggage. We get to look into the Cosmic mirror and ask who am I? Why am I here? Sure, those deep questions get asked and answered here.

I am at Bikram Yoga Teacher Training and it's everything I ever hoped it would be...and more.

Week Six- In the Mix

We keep hearing things like "you're in the blender right now, just wait until it's over to figure it all out" and that is how it feels these days. We are defnitely in the rabbit hole of this Teacher Training, but we're coasting towards the finish and as the end draws more near, the more we don't want it to end. Even the movies :)

It is truly amazing what happens when you let go of expectations and judgment. After my epiphany last week, I've really given myself over to "the process" and things are becoming clearer and clearer as we go. Every time I have a bit of resistance and face it head on I get to another level of understanding. This training is very "wax on, wax off". The cranky old Mr. Miagi keeps telling us to paint the fence, when we want to learn Karate to kick that blonde jerk's ass. Come on Mr. Miagi, teach me Karate! I don't want to wax your car, I want you to teach me how to whoop some ass! Just like in the movie, we ARE being taught here via simple things that seem unrelated and unnecessary and downright stupid. It's all beginning to shift into shape, slowly but surely. I am amazed and in awe of it.

This week we had some lectures with Rajashree's teacher, Dr. P.S. Das. He came to speak on Yoga Therapy and was very sweet and has a VERY thick accent. I was following most of what he was saying, but sometimes had a tough time (I heard, "the whole world comes from lettuce", when, in fact, he was saying "the whole world comes from ladies"- meaning the female principle, LOL). He also took a lecture on Urology and ended up talking about God. I dunno, but he did have some excellent information for us for the most part. He always seemed to wrap up his lectures with a spiritual message, and that was really nice.

We also kicked into high gear this week with Posture Clinic, sometimes doing 6+ hours a day between both the afternoon and evening lecture slots. This means that we have finished the Standing Series! I delivered 6 postures this week (Standing Seperate Leg Stretching, Triangle, Standing Seperate Leg Head to Knee, Tree, Toe Stand, Wind Removing and Cobra- Phew!) and all went pretty good. I definitely got better and better as the week progressed and I ended on a really high note yesterday with Cobra. Last weekend I got 4 postures ahead and this weekend I'll need to at least finish the Spine Strengthening Series to feel prepared for the week ahead. Apparently we were "behind" with the dialogue, so they needed to kick it into gear this week, but honestly, I think this is just what they do with every group. The first few weeks you are doing a posture every other day because you are only have PC in the afternoon, or after a lecture or at night for a few hours. If they really needed us to get it done by a certain day they could start PC earlier, or schedule the lectures for later in the TT, but this whole experience is about testing us, seeing where our breaking point is and how we handle it. The only way we can be rebuilt is by dismantling us and that is the goal of this training.

My PC group is an absolutely blast, though and I love all of them. You have never seen such a rambunctious group of people in your life. We have had some hilarious stuff go down this week, bloopers, drama, refusals, laughter, hilarity, etc. We have one member of our group who consistently cracks us all up and comes up with some stuff that has us all rolling on the floor, grasping at our stomachs. Ultimately though we are all really supportive of eachother and are just trying to have a great time. We are extremely punchy from lack of sleep and loopy from hours of yoga and lectures and sitting. This makes for some moments that are so funny you laugh until your side hurts, even when you realize it really isn't all that funny. Make sense? No? It will when/if you have ever been to TT.

So, as a result of how busy we are, I decided that Sadie is going to come out at the end with Max. Honestly, it's better for everyone. I get to dedicate all my time to memorizing the dialogue, Sadie gets to stay in familiar surroundings and I get a huge treat at the end when I get to see them BOTH when we are done with dialogue and might have a moment to spend with them.

I'm starting to get this feeling every week around Thursday or Friday, a little twinge of sadness that this is going to end. I already feel like an entirely different person than when I came here 6 weeks ago. I can't put my finger on how or why or when it happened, but I feel forever changed by this experience and even though I know it has to end, I'm still sad about it. My plan is to stay present for every last moment of it, to soak all of it in, to go beyond the boundary line and to let all of what I am learning here settle in more and more over time.

Week 7, here I come!

Week Five- I'm still alive!

Moreso than ever, I might add :)

It's been another rollercoaster of a week. In fact, the progression of the weeks here are very similar to a regular work week back home. Mondays I'm too tired to really know what is going on, Tuesday I start thinking "there is no way I am going to make it through this week", Wednesday you feel a glimmer of hope- hump day and all, Thursday you are convinced you CAN do it, Friday you tell yourself "just four/three/two/one more class until the weekend" and Saturday you crawl into that yoga room and just pray you'll make it 90 minutes and then you're FREE!

What I want to talk about this week is trusting the process. We hear that a lot here and sometimes you want to scream back "F*ck the process!", but the truth is that it's about surrender and acceptance.

Thursday night we finished up our lecture with Jon Burras (The Facia Guy) and then proceeded to have a little intro session with the senior teachers. Mike Harris told us his story and asked if anyone else had come to the training after serious medical issues. Well, of course, I had to stand up and tell my story. I was shaking and nervous to share with the whole group, but I did. After I told what I'd gone through, Mike asked "so how did the yoga help?" and I shared about how even though I don't have a thyroid governing my metabolism I don't suffer from any Hypothyroid symptoms like weight gain, lethargy, hair loss, etc. like other ThyCa patients. I almost realized it as I was saying it...this yoga truly is bringing my body back into balance after my health crisis and of course I should be sharing that with these people who will one day have students like me! After that we heard from Joseph and Ester, both truly inspiring stories and such lovely people. I wept for their pain and celebrated their joy of how this yoga turned their lives around. We all have a story.

After the stories, Manali- who is Birkam's assistant, came up and led an AMAZING meditation. I am not exaggerating when I say I literally FLOATED out of the room. Before she started she told us that she could tell some of us were still holding onto things. Negativity, judgement, hatred and to just let it go. I have no idea what she was chanting, but after she was done I felt completely transformed. I let it go. All of it. My judgement of this process, of Bikram, of my fellow trainees- ALL OF IT. It evaporated into thin air and I haven't seen it since.

This brings me to trusting the process and our NEED to understand what we are doing and why we are doing it and letting go of all that to just enjoy and be present. Not just here at Yoga Bootcamp, but back home with our families and friends and with our future students. We are learning experientially how to become, and step into, the highest expression of who we are and it is completely earth shattering to watch. To feel myself opening up and letting go of when we need to be somewhere and how long a break we have and "will Bikram show a movie?"...all of it is inconsequential. How we react to these things is a parallel to how we react in our lives, just like how we react to postures we hate in class, the heat, the teacher we think sucks, etc. etc.

So, even when you don't want to- trust the process. Trust that your higher power has a plan and your best and highest good in mind at all times. Trust that your fellow man is there to support you and not to bring you down. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time doing the right thing.

There has been some INCREDIBLE energy (off the charts) this week. Happiest memories are of the wave before movie night on Wednesday, running down the halls with my crazy PC Group (Group 5- we are like 5 year olds on ritalin!) and the groans as one Mahabharata episode after another kept us in that lecture tent until 3am- best moment that night was when a fellow trainee was all ready to go, in position, pillows in hand, hoodie on head and yet another episode started and he just slunk back to his seat, or when another trainee was in the same mode just an episode later and when he saw it wasn't over yet shouted "you have to be f*cking kidding me!" and threw his stuff back in his little corner where he was trying to sleep. Pure comedy!

So, Week 5 is over. I made it. I'm still alive. In fact, I'm vibrantly alive!

Halfway There!

Amazing ups and downs so far this week. Everything from "do I want to be here?" to "I don't ever want to leave here" and everything in between. Day to day, the rollercoaster continues!

Bikram is back and still playing late night movies and Emmy is back and teaching our morning classes and giving amazing posture clinics in the afternoon. She is a truly amazing woman and I love the emphasis she puts on the absolute correct alignment. Her favorite word is "precision" and she likes to yell it at us while trying to get us into postures. I love how sometimes she just sounds completely exasperated with us, "eh, that was terrible, just come up". It's hillarious. Her wealth of knowlege really comes out in her lectures. She was evaluating Triangles today and it's just so helpful to see all the bodies and hear her corrections. Yesterday I went up to get some help with my Standing Stretching Forehead to Knee pose, which after 7 years STILL sucks. Anything forehead to knee is very hard for me because my lumbar spine doesn't round. That means, Standing Forehead to Knee (everything but the forehead to my knee is easy), Standing Stretching Forehead to Knee, Rabbit, Stretching Forehead to Knee...blah on all of it :)

Last night after Bikram asked us if we wanted Posture Clinic or a Lecture and everyone shouted "Lecture!" and he goes "What the f*ck is wrong with you people? You want to hear my bullsh*t again?", hahahaha. Anyway, we were told to show up at 9:30 for lecture, but when we got to the lecture tent, Lynn told us that we were going to do Posture Clinic instead and to be back at 11:30. Then she said "Group 5, you guys are rockstars, you are all done with your Standing Bow, so you stay in the tent and listen to Groups 15 & 16 do theirs", I am in Group 5 (I am taking a bow now) so that's what we did. Sat there while the other two groups finished up Bow and then there was a little time at the end so both Allie and I got up and did our Balancing Sticks and rocked it! I am starting to not personalize the comments from PC leads anymore. The lead last night was all upset because I took a big exhale after the set up (I had to, I started to quickly and needed a big, deep breath) but honestly, I did really well and she was just kind of a b*tch. Oh well. EVERYONE came up to me afterwards and was saying "don't listen to her" so I decided to take in what she said that was positive and let go of the rest of her commentary :) Then, after PC they told us Bikram changed his mind about the movie and to go home! Happy Yogis everywhere!

Also, last night, Norm and Louise took Allie and I out to an amazing dinner! It was so nice to have the loving support from home and my mood really started to turn around. I start to think I'm going nuts here, but having someone from home here reminded me of how long and how badly I have wanted to be here and how it's all going to be worth it in the end. Yay for Norm and Louise!

Class tonight with Bikram was nice, but it was TWO HOURS, so I have to get ready to head back for lecture at 9:30. Since I've done Balancing Stick, I don't think I'll get to Standing Seperate Leg Stretching until tomorrow at the earliest. I've got both that and Triangle sort of ready to go, but I need to move forward to Tree and Toe. I was told we won't do Savasana or Sit-Up, so this weekend I'd like to get Cobra, too. It's nice to have a few going at once so I don't feel completely overwhelmed. I wonder how long I'll be able to keep that up?

Sadie will be here at the end of next week!!! I'm so excited to see her, but a little nervous about having her here since this environment leaves me no time at all for her. I have to study dialogue and our day is realllllly long. Hopefully, things will begin to wind down a bit in Week 8 and definitely by the time Max gets here. Wow. It's really going end that soon. I don't know whether to be happy or sad about it right now :)

Week Four- Shut the Door

It will hereby be known as the PMS week. LOL. Anyway, I made it and that's what's important :) As I sit here after our 8am class, fed, relaxed and happy I have a different perspective than I did during the week. Man, my last post was MEAN, but just like everything and everyone I judge here at TT I see the other side in a matter of days, hours, minutes or even seconds. As a matter of fact, that visiting teacher was in my Posture Clinic and gave me my feedback for my Standing Bow not even one day later (it went really well, btw). It's really and truly an amazing thing and I don't really know why it's like that here, but it is. You can count on it. The person that irritated you one day is your savior the next. It's truly an incredible thing.

So, in addition to presenting three postures this week in posture clinic (Eagle, Standing Head to Knee and Standing Bow), we had three late night movie nights, so when they let us out of posture clinic last night at 10pm (a whole hour early!) you'd think everyone in that room just won the freaking lottery. It's the little things that get us through here. Since I sleep through the movies, I did pretty well this week. I end up getting 6-7 hours of sleep a night, which for me isn't a lot, but I still feel pretty great. The yoga is our gas station and most of us are running on fumes and need a refill :)

The visiting teachers have been amazing. We've had Ulises from Mexico, Lisa from San Antonio (Yeehaw sit-ups and MACHINE GUN Triangle), Abby & Dave from Victoria, Heather from Chicago and, of course, my faves Diane and Lynn. I am seriously in LOVE with all of these teachers. They are such inspiring people in so many ways. The instruction that we are getting here is just fantastic, I am going to be so spoiled going home...I LOVE LYNN. Gawd, she is awesome! Plus, practicing in a room with 300 other people struggling, sweating and surviving- AMAZING.

So this weekend I have to study for our second Anatomy test that is going to be a little more challenging since it's on the Respiratory, Digestive, Nervous & Endocrine Systems. Tons of information, so I'm headed to the study group that Mari is doing this afternoon so I know what to study and what not to study. I'm also going to try to get Balancing Stick, Standing Separate Leg Stretching & Triangle at least partially memorized this weekend. I counted the days we have left and it looks like even if we did one posture a day M-F we wouldn't wrap up until the end of Week 8, but there are some that are shorter so I'm sure we'll end up doing two a day or more with Savasana & Sit-Up and some of the floor postures.

I need to take more pictures! I suddenly got this panicked feeling this week, about how fast it's going and soon it will be over and all I will have are memories (and this blog :) to remember it by. Although there are very challenging times here at TT, this whole experience is so amazing. I will miss doing this much yoga for sure and being around all these amazing, experienced teachers with all this incredible knowledge of this yoga. It really is such an incredible opportunity.

Ciao for now.