Week Seven- you have to go through Hell before you get to Heaven

Tough week.

Physically: I am exhausted. The two classes a day have started to mount up and have left me with a body that doesn't particularly want to move anymore. My postures are basically a complete joke at this point. Strength is there most of the time, flexibility? Not so much. I have heard that you should never compare your TT practice to your home practice, but it's hard not to expect to make some advances in postures doing this much yoga. I'm here to tell ya- it ain't happenin'. Plus, even though we weren't kept up past midnight all week, I'm still feeling like I could sleep for 24 hours straight and then wake up and eat for 24 hours straight. We did have some amazing classes/teachers this week (I keep track of all our teachers on my Facebook Bikram Yoga Calendar, if you are interested) and I really did try my best to work hard for them. Sometimes I get the second wind and sometimes I'm just coasting on the first one or one from the day before :)

Mentally: As previously mentioned, I usually don't fare all that well when I'm exhausted. I struggled a lot this week with staying present in lectures, judging the content of the lectures, etc. Rajashree went through the postures and talked about Yoga Therapy, which was great, I wish we had dedicated more time to lectures like this. She ran out of time and had to group all the floor postures together (no questions), which was a real bummer. Next we had Ann Marie Benstrom, who talked about Chakras and a little bit about nutrition. She was great, but I have a hard time when people start talking about their opinions about things when they have no actual experience with. I tend to respect someone's opinion when they've actually gone through it and talk about their first hand knowledge rather than theories. I actually had to walk out and take a breather because I was getting so annoyed. Of course when I returned she led us through an amazing meditation (Kriya) which seemingly melted all my anger and led into a 30 minute pre-class cry on the phone with Max and with two of our wonderful staff members. Which leads me to...

Emotionally: First off, I was missing Sadie ALL WEEK LONG. From Monday on, I started staring longingly at photos of her, then I started showing them to anyone who would look. Let's just say, I think I am under some hormonal influences as well, and my week ended in tears. Ultimately though, I find that my pattern is that I will get annoyed and even when I express it- if I don't let it go it just builds, and builds, and builds. Finally when I decide to let it go, it is usually done with tears. I'm trying not to judge it, it is what it is...I just wish I was better at letting things go before they build up to the point where I'm a miserable asshole. Make sense? Yeah. uh huh, sure it does. Anyway, more important lessons being learned here at Yoga Bootcamp.

Posture Clinics went well this week. I feel like I am really coming into my own these days. I've dropped the Drill Sargent delivery since we got on the floor postures and it's feeling REALLY good delivering dialogue lately. It's coming out so fluidly and I really feel like I'm teaching. I'm so excited to teach this yoga! Sometimes I worry about the first class, but I am fully on board with process trusting when they say that we'll all be fine. It might not be pretty, but better to get the first one out of the way immediately. Rip it off like a Band-Aid. Only 5 more postures to deliver! I'm sad though because I love my Posture Clinic group. We are a bunch of nutballs, it's so perfect. Other groups don't really get into our vibe (we were actually "shushed" this week by another group), but we're having a fantastic time and we love and support eachother so much. I think we may be known as the "Crazy Group"? Oh well. Touch it.

Ultimately, though, tough week and all- it was and is still amazing. I get these intense flashes sometimes during class or in lecture or posture clinic where I just have this realization- "I'm actually HERE", it's so dream-like sometimes, it almost doesn't even seem real. I force myself to freeze moments in my mind and tell myself "remember this" when it just feels so right and so good. This morning, for example, seeing 300 people turned towards me in Final Spinal, I look at all their faces, see their sweat, feel their struggle. Their struggle is my struggle, none of us is alone here. This experience really and truly is opening my mind to concepts and parts of myself that I never acknowledge, never visit, never nurture. That's what we do here. We peer into ourselves and see ourselves for who we truly are. Without jobs and degrees and associations and baggage. We get to look into the Cosmic mirror and ask who am I? Why am I here? Sure, those deep questions get asked and answered here.

I am at Bikram Yoga Teacher Training and it's everything I ever hoped it would be...and more.